Sunday, January 16, 2011

When life hands you a miscarriage

Where do you start when writing a post about miscarriage? I guess I will start by saying that I remember hearing the term several different times growing up.  I remember hearing people talk about it and I knew what it was.  I remember in my young, ignorant mind, thinking that somehow it didn't seem like a big deal because I had heard about it so much.  It just seemed like a nonchalant thing.  And it certainly never crossed my mind that it would be something that I would ever experience-  it was one of those things that only other people would.  Not me.  Well, little did I know.  

Paul and I had been married for about 1 1/2 years when we decided it was time to start trying for a family.  Infertility was also one of those things that only happened to other people.  Not me.  Again, little did I know.  We started trying for a baby.  That first month I was so giddy and nervous to find out if I was pregnant.  My period came.  Another month went by, and another and another.  A year went by.  A year and a half went by.  I went through the roller coaster of emotions that I'm sure so many women understand.  Sadness.  Bitterness.  Anger.  And then back to sadness. And then I finally found a state of calmness that I just knew that it would happen when the time was right.  We visited a fertility specialist.  We were about to start clomid and artificial insemination when after 19 months of trying, that positive pregnancy test appeared.  We cried and cried with joy and relief.  We were so thankful to Heavenly Father that we were finally pregnant! At 6 weeks, 4 days I started spotting.  Even then, it didn't even cross my mind that anything could be wrong.  At 6 weeks, 5 days, while working, I went to the bathroom and bled.  I knew that it was way to much blood.  I knew in those moments that I had had a miscarriage.  I cried.  I called Paul.  I called my doctor.  I went and had my blood drawn a few times and they confirmed that I was no longer pregnant.  We cried and mourned the loss of the pregnancy that we had celebrated so dearly.  We hadn't announced to anyone yet that we were pregnant.  And after the miscarriage I didn't feel like going around announcing the sad news.  So no one knew but ourselves.  And it was really hard.  

Three months later we were able to conceive again.  We prayed with the most sincere hearts that I would be able to carry out the pregnancy full term.  We literally prayed every single night we would have a healthy baby, if it was the will of Heavenly Father.  Just over 8 months later, we had the most beautiful baby boy.  He was perfect in every way, with an imperfect heart.  But he was alive, and perfect to us anyway.  

After Conner was born I went on birth control.  I felt strange about it.  I didn't really want to, but I started it anyway.  After a few months Paul and I talked and decided that I would stop birth control.  I had been having feelings that I should stop birth control.  I felt that although we might not ever feel totally ready to bring a second baby into the world, that Heavenly Father was in control, and he knew what we could handle, and would send us a baby when He knew the time was right.  After all, it took us 2 years to get pregnant with our precious Conner, and it could take a while again.  I got off bc in July and decided that we wouldn't put pressure on the situation.  We wouldn't be actively trying to get pregnant, nor would we stop it.  In November this past year, I waited for my period to start.  I had a dream that an old man told me I was pregnant.  I started to gag when I brushed my teeth (a pregnancy symptom for me) and I had a huge, constant battle in my head for 3 days while I waited for my period.  "You're pregnant.  No I'm not.  Yes you are.  Maybe I am.  I think I am. No I'm not."  I couldn't take it anymore, and on that 4th morning, after Paul left for work, I ran to the store with Conner and bought a pregnancy test.  It was positive.  I cried with happiness.  Paul and I were so thrilled to be expecting a second, tiny, beautiful baby into our family!  We again started praying that we would have a healthy baby, be it the will of Heavenly Father, and that all would be well with the pregnancy. 

 I became sick just like with Conner.  As week 6 and 7 went by I nervously prayed that there wouldn't be a miscarriage.  Week 8, 9, and 10 went by.  Then 11 and 12.  After the 12th week of pregnancy the likely-hood of a miscarriage dramatically drops.  At 12 weeks, 5 days, I went in for my 12 week check up.  Just a few hours before my appointment, I went to the bathroom and there was the tiniest specks of blood on the toilet paper.  It made me worried.  I went into the appointment and told the nurse who took my blood pressure and weight.  When my doctor came in, he asked me about the blood.  He immediately did an ultra sound.  As I laid there, I waited for my doctor to say something.  He just kept moving the wand around on my tummy, searching for that ever important heart beat.  He then had me look at the ultra sound machine screen, and explained what he was looking at.  I could see the baby.  I couldn't see a heartbeat.  Neither could he.  He told me that he was going to have me move rooms so that he could use their new machine to see things better and more clear.  I waited in the room.  Conner was with me.  He was getting impatient because I had left him in his car seat.  I tried to entertain him.  I pulled faces at him and played peek-a-boo.  Several different times during my attempts to entertain him, I caught myself tearing up with the thought that there really may not be a heartbeat, but refused to let myself dwell on it, since nothing was confirmed yet.  I was finally moved to the other room.  They had one of the other doctors come in and do the actual ultra sound.  My doctor was in the room to look at the ultra sound as well.  They talked about where the heart activity should be.  Then after a looking around for a minute or so, they both confirmed that there was no longer a heartbeat.  My doctor put his hand on my shoulder as I lay there, and told me how sorry he was, and it was indeed a miscarry.  Tears rolled down my cheeks, but I tried to stay strong as they took measurements to try and figure out how far along I was when I miscarried.  It was hard to hear the other doctor say that he could tell the little body had already started to collapse, and yet it was still pretty recently that the miscarriage happened.  It was determined by measurements that the miscarry happened at some point during the last week.  The doctor cleaned my tummy off, and helped me sit up.  He left the room, and I was left with my doctor.  We sat down to talk.  My eyes filled with tears as he sat across from me, with sadness in his eyes as he asked what questions I may have.  We talked.  He told me that he was heartbroken to have to deliver such sad news, especially after all we have been through in the past year with Conner.  He explained about the D&C and said that we would do it the coming Friday, the day I would have been 13 weeks.  When my doctor finally left the room, I started gathering my things, and that's when the sobs came.  I tried to hold them back.  I could feel the aching in my heart bursting and all I wanted to do was be at home in the arms of Paul.  I left the office and drove home.  The whole way home I cried.  I cried as I thought about telling Paul.  I cried as I thought about telling our families, whom we had announced our joyful news to on Christmas Eve and Christmas day.  I thought of our friends faces who were so happy for us.  I thought of everyones faces who had expressed excitement, love and support for us.  And then I thought of having to tell them.  We didn't have a heartbeat anymore.  We are not going to have a baby in July anymore.  No more siblings 18 months apart.  

Paul was aware of the blood incident before I went to my appointment.  When I left the house for my appointment, Paul was at home with a friend putting in a new disposal.  When I was leaving the hospital, I texted Paul and asked if he was still home, and if the friend was still there.  Paul told me later that he just knew that something wasn't right when I had sent that message.  I got home, walked in, and was in the process of taking Conner out of the car seat, when Paul came down the stairs.  I, of course, was crying, and he came over, wrapped his arms around me, and I sobbed as I buried my head into his chest.  He got Conner out of the car seat and let him go play with his toys in the room we were in.  We sat down on the couch and talked about the appointment.  Talked about how there was no heart beat.  Talked about the ultra sound and the measurements.  We cried.  We sat in silence and then cried again.  We watched our sweet little boy, playing with his toys, babbling and having fun.  He had no clue.  He was so innocent and sweet.  He made us smile. 

On Friday I went in to the hospital at 11:30am.  I was scheduled for 12pm.   We (Paul and I) were taken into a curtained room where I changed into a gown and got in the hospital bed.  I hadn't eaten or had anything to drink since midnight, per doctor's orders.  They let me know that I wouldn't be going in at the scheduled time because there was still another patient ahead of me.  So we watched a movie and entertained ourselves.  I had my I.V. started a few hours later.  I was given medicine to soften my cervix.  I became anxious about the procedure.  Paul was wonderful and reassuring.  He told me everything would be ok.  My doctor came in and talked with us and answered questions and gave us comfort.  They took me back at about 3:45pm.  When they wheeled me into the operating room, the male nurse who had been helping us prepare during the afternoon, put a mask over my mouth and nose and told me to breath deeply and that it would put me to sleep.  Tears rolled down my cheeks as I tried to breath evenly, not allowing my tears to turn into sobs.  

The next thing I knew I was slowly blinking my eyes to wake up.  I felt like I was waking up from a wonderful afternoon nap.  The kind that you just feel so relaxed, so calm, and so comfortable.  And then I slowly remembered where I was, what had happened, and what I had lost.  The nurse watching over me took out the breathing tube from my throat and asked me if I was ok.  She asked if I was in physical pain, and I gently shook my head no.  No physical pain.  And then tears started to form and roll down my cheeks.  Moments later my doctor came to my side and asked if I was in pain.  Again, I gently shook my head.  But my tears wouldn't stop.  I was still coming out of the anesthesia, so it was all a little blurry and hard to remember.  But I remember his caring face and worried expression.  He told me that he would go let Paul know I was awake and that he would meet me in the next recovery room.  When he talked to Paul, he let him know that emotionally I was in a lot of pain.  When they wheeled me back into the curtained room, I was in there for just a few minutes by myself where I continued to cry.  When Paul walked in he came straight to my bed, held me and let me once again sob and release all the hurt I felt.  I cried for 10 minutes straight as Paul continued to comfort me.  

In the following 24 hours, I thought about what it was exactly that was so emotionally painful after I had woken up after the procedure.  What was so different about it then just knowing I had had a miscarriage?  I have concluded this: For the two days that I was aware of my miscarriage, I knew that I was carrying with me a little tiny forming baby who had passed away.  The miscarry was with me physically.  I mourned the loss of a baby and I had the physical reminder of that in my tummy.  I would touch my tummy, knowing that there was no heartbeat and feeling the sadness of that.  When I woke up after the D&C, I mourned the loss that physically wasn't there anymore.  I mourned the fact of the finality of the miscarry.  I so dearly mourned the emptiness and loneliness I felt from the miscarry being removed from my body.  It made it so clearly permanent. Paul and I talked for a while.  We laughed and we cried. We finally left the hospital at 7pm.

The next day we kept ourselves mindlessly busy with time consuming things.  Facebook, email, computer games, cleaning, etc.  Nothing too important.  But enough to make us feel a little numb.  Numb enough to not think too much on the previous day.  To not have to think about the email that I didn't get from babycenter the previous day, happily announcing my 13th week of pregnancy.  I had the smarts enough to cancel it before I would receive it.  Later that evening, my sister brought over dinner.  We were so thankful for that act of service of love.  When she left, we walked into the kitchen to bless the food so we could eat.  I started to say the blessing and couldn't finish because I started crying.  Paul finished the prayer while he held me.  We talked about how easy it was to numb ourselves from having to think about the miscarriage.  And when my sister came by, it pulled us back into reality and reminded us of why she was bringing dinner.  We are still hurting from this miscarriage, yet we truly know that Heavenly Father has his reasons for why things happen.  We do not doubt that all will work out for the best, and we continue to hope for when we will be able to bring the next baby into our family.  We really do believe that everything has a purpose and that we are being shaped and molded into the people God needs us to be.  Heavenly Father teaches us in many ways.  He knows how to help us become more humble, more Christ-like, and more teachable.  When we experience sorrow in our lives, it teaches us how to be more charitable towards others and allows us to feel empathy and compassion.  How wise and just Heavenly Father is.  How tender he is that he lets us all experience joy and happiness while also teaching us with trials and hard times.  We continue to thank Him for all that we have, for our beautiful and wonderful baby Conner, and for each other.  What an amazing life we 3 have with each other. 

46 comments:

EBeauty03 said...

So sweet. What an amazing journey, thanks for sharing. I miscarried with my 2nd at about 6 weeks. Although I miss my baby girl (I was certain) everyday I know that my Heavenly Father knew that I could not handle being a single Mom to 2 angels. Such a sweet story. It's hard to remember that even though the sad times, our Heavenly Father loves us and has a plan for us. Stay strong sweet girl! And remember, it's ok to cry!

Jake & Stephanie Ellinger said...

I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage! I had a miscarriage before we got pregnant with Nathan and it was really hard. My mom passed away from a terminal illness about the time that the baby should have been born and I was grateful I didn't have a new born to deal with too. About 2 weeks before my mom passed away we found out we were pregnant with Nathan.

I hope that you get feeling better soon!

Loren and Jess said...

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I love how strong you are though! Heavenly Father has and will bless you guys in so many ways! Please let us know if we can help you guys out in any way. Love you guys!

Juliana said...

You are such an amazing person ... I knew something was wrong with you (FB) but I wasn't sure what it was. I just have to say one thing- Things happens for a reason and, like you said, Heavenly Father know better. Thanks for being so strong and faithful. Your post helped me tons. Loves!

Christina said...

Oh Annie, I am so sorry. We too lost a baby at 13 weeks. It was devastating as we had struggled with infertility for over 2 years. One thing that we did was plant a rose bush and a tree in memory of the baby. When I see the tree I am able to take a minute to remember. I hope you are able to feel the healing arms of our Savior to help you at this time.

Hugs & Prayers,
Christina

Deb said...

I am so sorry Annie! Thanks for sharing your story, it made me cry. It is such a hard thing to struggle with infertility and miscarriage, I can't imagine how it must be to be so far along and lose your baby. Heart breaking. You are so strong, and a great mother, I know you will have more children soon, Heavenly Father couldn't deny such a good mom babies! Hope you feel better soon. Thanks for sharing.

Anne said...

Thank you for sharing. I loved reading about your experience. Hang in there :)

Ben KaShan Allysen Briggs said...

Annie,

I am so sorry to hear your news. I can truly testify that I know that Heavenly Father has a reason for everything and that He is very kind and just. I know that I can't say I have every experienced miscarriage but I have cried plenty of tears this pregnancy. I cry for other reasons than loss, but I know that Heavenly Father only gave me what I could handle. I sat here with tears rolling down my cheeks for you. You are a VERY choice mother. Never forget that. That has been the one thing that is getting me through my situation right now. I love you and will keep you in my prayers.

Aimee Hardy said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. We had a missed miscarriage and D&C similar to yours before we got pregnant with Jack so just reading this brought back a lot of memories and emotions. Hang in there and know you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.

Lera said...

Oh Annie, my heart breaks for you an Paul. I am so sorry. You have been through so much as a parent; I can't even imagine. I think you are so strong and so amazing! Thank you for sharing this.

Melissa said...

So sorry.

Becca said...

Annie,
I'm so sorry for your loss! What a tender way to share what you have been through. I of course cried through the whole thing. Knowing the pain of infertility I just can't imagine the added pain that comes from a miscarriage! You Paul and Conner will be in our prayers

jessica.adams said...

Annie,
I'm not really even sure where to start, but I guess first I should say I'm sorry if this is a really long comment because I have a feeling it will be. :)

It is really interesting that you would post this today, and I am incredibly grateful that you did. Without going into detail about my own experiences with infertility, I will just say that what I have gone through is nothing in comparison to what you have just described. Your grace and your amazing attitude have always struck me as being so inspiring and humbling, and what you just shared is no exception.

For reasons I wish I could explain but can't, it's been a rough month for me, feeling sorry for myself and feeling like there isn't a soul around me who understands the pain I'm feeling. Unfortunately, the way I handle it is to bottle it up and just pretend like nothing is wrong. Not healthy, right? I'm not as brave as you are, and I wish I were.

I don't know you personally since we have only connected through blogging, but it is so comforting to know that there are women out there who are struggling too (that sounds horrible to say because I wish no one would have to struggle with issues such as these!)

I guess basically, I just wanted to say thank you. I know how difficult it is to blog about stuff like this and put yourself out there like that. It feels so vulnerable. Thanks for giving me the boost I needed today.
YOU. ARE. AMAZING.
Hang in there. I have no doubt, that just like you said, Heavenly Father knows what we need and when we need it.

Love--Jess

P.S. I think we live fairly close to each other, don't we? I'm serious when I say please let me know if you'd like to meet up for lunch or something, just to talk. I'd love it. My e-mail is on my blog.

Becca said...

Annie, I am so sorry for your loss. Before Ellie was born, we had a girl named Eve who was stillborn. Your description of your doctors visit had me in tears. I knew she had slowed down but in my head she was still moving. These things only happen to other people, right? So it was a total shock. I know your numb right now, but if you need to talk, facebook me your number and I will call you. it helped me to talk to someone that understood. Plus we both have a heart baby. You are a strong woman and I love your posts.

Becca-Ellie's mom

BECKY said...

Even though it is a "common occurrence" according to the medical world, that doesn't make it any easier for anyone who has to go through it. Many hugs.

Jen said...

Annie and Paul - I am just heartbroken for you. What a difficult trial for your sweet family. I remember the days of uncontrollable tears mourning a lost little spirit of my own and reading your experience it all comes flooding back...tears and all, even 4 babies later. And while the pain is so real and so significant, I know that like you said, Heavenly Father is looking out for your family and that there is a greater plan and purpose even when it is difficult to understand. Sending love and hugs to you!

Joni and John said...

Annie, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard and difficult that must be, especially after a hard road you've had. I hope you can feel Heavenly Father's spirit of comfort and know how loved you are.

Rissa said...

Annie,
Thank you for sharing this experience, I can't imagine how difficult it was. You are such a strong and amazing woman! Thank you for being an example off all things good and loving. You have reminded me of Christs love with your unwaivering faith and testiment of him. It is such a blessing to know you and have you share your experiences so openly. You and your family are in my thoughts! If you need anything let me know, dinner?

Amy Sabin said...

We are SO sorry for your loss. We love your family and will pray for you to have peace in the days and weeks ahead. We think of you and your sweet Conner often- you were so good to us in our time of suffering with our Annie. Our hearts are with you in yours.

Heather English said...

so brave of you to share all that. so beautifully written. i'm sure you will have your dozen kids before you know it. :)

eric+dall said...

annie, wow. what an incredible woman you are. i am seriously so thankful that you shared your story. we too have had our go with infertility, and while it sucks to be in the situation, its comforting you know we are not alone. and while i have never experienced a miscarriage my heart aches for you. i hope that you know you are truly inspiring.

Jeana said...

Oh Annie, I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing your experience and feelings. Miscarriages are such a hush hush thing, and it makes me sad that so many suffer through them without ever being able to talk about it. It took us a while to get pregnant with Kaelyn too, and I still fear the unknown of whether I will be able to carry a child full-term. Prayers that your hearts will heal and Heavenly Father will wrap his loving arms around you to help you through this difficult time. I'm so excited to spend "heart" day with you guys and celebrate our little miracles together.

Kristy said...

Annie I love you so much!!! You are so inspiring to me. I feel truly blessed to have you as a friend. I am so sorry for your loss. It breaks my heart. I had a miscarriage at 5 1/2 wks, two months before I got pregnant with the twins. And I remember feeling all the same emotions you described. I was like you thinking it would never happen to me. I also thought "oh I am not that far a long so why am I so sad". And I realized that no matter how far along you are, it is your child, a gift from our father in heaven. Of course I was valid for feeling the way I felt. Even though I know a lot of women who have gone through this it never makes it any easier. I hope you feel better and know that I think of you often, and will continue to have you in my prayers.

Super Daysh said...

Annie, I'm so sorry to hear about that. I do know for sure that the Lord sends trials and disappointments to everyone- they are what shape us. Some become bitter and angry, others become like you- humble, meek, trusting and more faithful. I know this is probably not how you wanted to attain all those characteristics, but I am so grateful that you are still faithful and trusting in our loving Heavenly Father. I am so grateful for your sweet testimony that you share time and time again on your blog. You two are so strong! My heart goes out to you and I can relate to the sadness and disappointment that go along with miscarriage and the hurt and longing linger even when everything else is gone. I'm so sorry to hear about this, but know that Heavenly Father must be preparing you two for great things.

Candice & Brent said...

Thank you for sharing that story, I cried as I read through it. Its something that is common but it doesn't make it any easier. Sometimes its hard to understand heavenly fathers plan for each of us but know that he is holding your hand and helping you through. You are such an amazing woman. I think it makes you realize what amazing blessings children are. Sometimes I hold B & T and never want to let go. I'm sorry you had this miscarriage. Everything happens for reason. When its time, it time. Love ya girl!

cdockstader said...

I just wanted to thank you so much for leaving such a nice comment on my blog. I put yourself out there and some people are not always as nice as you! I am also a medical student and in about a years times will be picking my specialty (residency). Your families story of courage in the face of such difficulties is one of the reasons why I love medicine. You meet such wonderful and inspiring people. I wish you all the best for the new year. And you have the most adorable family. Thanks again!

Molly Mormon Mommy said...

Annie, thank you for sharing this experience. You and Paul are amazing. Connor is blessed to have two incredible parents. You are in my prayers.

the mcclenahans said...

Hi Annie. I came to your blog to answer your question about Levi's clothes and instead have been reading and reading. Wow, the Lord has asked you to walk through some really hard things. I am so sorry about your miscarriage. I know your heart is aching. Praying that you experience the indescribable love and comfort of our Heavenly Father tonight.

This seems very insignificant now, but since you asked...Levi's clothes are mostly from Old Navy, Target and a few from Gap. Your Conner is precious!

Jess

Kat said...

Oh Annie. I can't imagine what you must be going through. You are one of the strongest people I know!! I'm sure you don't feel that way now, but let me tell you; from an outsider's perspective, you are so courageous and strong and an amazing woman!! I look up to you a lot. This post made me want to be a more compassionate person for those who have experienced things in life that I can't relate to. Thanks for sharing. We're praying for you.

Brittany said...

Annie you truely inspire me. You are soooo strong!!! Thank you soo much for sharing your story.
Heavenly Father does have a reason for everything!!!

Love ya girl!
Brittany

Melanie said...

Annie and Paul,
I am FINALLY reading this and I know that you know this, but I'm saying it again for the thousandth time.

We love you.

Rogers Neighborhood said...

Annie I am so sorry for your loss. I too have had a couple miscarriages and it isn't easy. You are very strong. It is nice to read your testimony.

ohyouprettythings said...

Thank you for sharing your story! I am so sorry. But by talking about you can help other women who are going through the same thing! :] You have a beautiful family!!

Steph Romney said...

What an incredible journey. You are a beautiful mother and an amazing example:) Your son is beautiful, too. Glad you found my blog and I'm so glad to have read this.

in morse code said...

thanks for your comments on my blog. i clicked on your link and read this post and burst into tears. i am so sorry for your loss. you seem to be a very strong woman. thank you for your example. you are sweet to think about others when you yourself have more to think about. hang in there and seriously, chocolate is always good to hold on to.

Jared and Laura said...

Annie,
This post made me cry. I know it's difficult to share such personal things publicly, but I so appreciate it.

I've always had this mental timeline for when I thought certain things should happen, but I've learned time and again, that all is in Heavenly Father's hands. Despite how difficult that can be, I truly believe there's a rhyme and a reason for things.

Hang in there. You're such an amazing woman...your strength and optimism radiate from you. Thanks again for sharing this post. I hope you'll feel better soon. Take care.

LAINA said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure it will help a lot of people with the trials that they are going through. Your words were beautifully written. Our love is with you and your family.

LDS Fusion staff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
LDS Fusion staff said...

Annie, I am so sorry that you had to go through this!! :( (I just found this blog post because of your "Got Milk" post). Man, it just brought back so many memories for nearly the exact same scenario that we faced a few years ago. I can hardly hold my emotions back as I think about all the heartache that you guys were feeling. I admire you guys for the way you are handling the trials you have had to face. I have said it before, but I can't think of two better people to handle such trials. Our Heavenly Father doesn't give us more than we can handle and you guys show such patience, faith and courage that you are truly great examples of Christ's perfect love. I really hope that you get a chance again to bring another precious angel into the world. We will keep you guys in our prayers. (Love Meli (And Steve) Derricott)

Jill said...

I cried too reading about your trials (& joys). I too deeply understand the emotions that go along with wanting a baby and not getting one year after year. You have been through so much and persevered and endured it all so well and with such an amazing attitude. I wish you and Paul and Conner all the best in the future.

Kayla said...

This completely broke my heart. Thank you for being so open and honest and sharing your experience!

Kayla
Freckles in April | a modest clothing blog

Alex and Kate Storms said...

You are amazing. This story is so close to my heart for so many reasons. Of course we will pray for your family.

Sadie Jane said...

Annie your blog is very inspiring and tender!! I am so sorry for both your losses!! I hope that your little precious boy can continue to grow healthy and strong! If you ever need anyone to talk to...even though we dont know each other...please email me!! Stay strong sweetheart!!
XOXO
sadie jane

Kitty said...

Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for sharing your strength and your faith in Heavenly Father. It means a lot to me right now as I struggle with my own pain.

Chasing my own tail said...

So rare and so honest. I know it is a bit late, but I am sorry for your loss. This entry reminds me of the beautiful person that you are. You are a truly strong and kind person.

love,
anh

jenn (+ will) said...

oh my goodness. i am in tears. thanks for sharing. it sounds like you have an amazing family and of course it will continue to grow in time. too bad we can't see the big picture. i wish you the best!